


Preach boldness; act cold (you’re something like safety)

by thanatosplaythings



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, they’re both idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:00:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanatosplaythings/pseuds/thanatosplaythings
Summary: “And what would you give for her life?” The monster asks, because calling it a monster was easier than admitting you were one too.“Anything” you hear yourself sayAnd the monster laughs, this raspy noise that scratches down your spineYou wonder if it’ll be worth it. You tell yourself it has to be.A study of how Penelope Park's life is basically a greek tragedy
Relationships: Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman
Comments: 44
Kudos: 170





	1. Wake Up, Sunshine

Breaking up with Josie Saltzman definitely wasn’t one of your finest moments. Even as you forced that fake smile on your face while hers crumbled in front of you, there was a voice screaming in the back of your head. Still, what was said cannot be unsaid and you walk away from the person you know is the love of your life. (You kind of knew this was the truth at the time but a year spent away cemented the fact for you. It was as much the truth as you needed to breathe to live. Josie Saltzman is the love of your life.) 

You had been arguing for months, each angry interaction ending with more distance between you than the last. There is a chasm in your relationship with the name Lizzie Saltzman on it. You try not to feel too bitter whenever you wonder if Josie will ever be able to see the way she bends over backwards for her sister isn’t healthy. You wonder if she does see it and continues to do it because her heart is too big for a world as cruel as this one. You decided you couldn’t watch Josie let herself suffocate.

You’d kind of always known the way Lizzie treated her twin wasn’t right, and you knew you could never really keep your mouth shut about it enough to get away with it, but something in you decided to fall in love with Josie anyway. There was something light in her that always made you want more. You craved the times she did speak up about something, especially if it was some witty sarcastic comment people didn’t think she was capable of. You fell in love with the way she scrunched up her nose when she didn’t like something or didn’t expect it. She was optimistic sunshine and being with her made you feel like you were walking on clouds. Being with Josie was easy, easier than taking your next breath, and better than coffee in the morning. You never thought you could let her go, or that you would ever be willing to.

You tried in the beginning, pushing Josie to stand in her own light, step outside her shell. There was never much progress before Lizzie was having another breakdown or accusing you of forcing a wedge between the twins. Josie always took her side, staring at you with those apologetic doe eyes, and you both knew you’d always forgive her. 

Still you tried anyway, little nudges like when Josie would say, “I need to help Lizzie with something.” You’d just distract her with kisses and promises of more, eyes begging her to stay. You’d manage 10 minutes, then 20 before Josie would tell you she really had to go and all you could do was breathe a quiet, “Okay” before slumping back and letting her leave. 

Once, you managed to convince Josie to send Lizzie a text that said she got caught up in homework, but Lizzie had marched over to your room and started screaming at Josie about how you always took too much of her time. You’d just screamed back about how Lizzie never let Josie have any space for herself. 

“Well I let her date you didn’t I, Park?” 

“Well have you ever stopped to think that Josie is her own person and doesn’t need your permission to do anything?”

You continue until Josie puts her hand on your arm and mumbled, “It’s okay, I’ll just go.” You feel your breath get knocked out of your chest and turn away to pretend your eyes aren’t burning as Josie picks Lizzie over you again. The door closes behind you and you are left in the cold silence.

The fights between you and Josie always ran along the same lines; a broken record that neither of you knew how to fix. It’s not for lack of trying on your part but you can’t help but ignore Josie longer and longer each time. You both always come back together with apologies but never for the right thing. 

So you break up with her. She looks like she’s been slapped, like this break up came out of nowhere when it had been brewing for months. You wish it hadn’t been so public but she was saying, “Sorry but I have to cancel our lunch tomorrow, Lizzie needs help with Potions and I promised I’d go over it with her at lunch.” and you snapped at her. 

“Maybe we should just cancel everything and you can go focus on Lizzie as you always do.”

“What do you mean? What are you talking about?” Her brow furrows and the pout that normally gets you to forgive everything is starting to form but you find yourself unaffected by it just this once in your anger.

“It means I’m breaking up with you, Josie. I’m sick of always being second place behind your selfish twin and the fact that you never fight for me, for us. So I’m done. It’s over. We’re cancelling everything.” You spit out the words, far too loud to be any semblance of private in a hallway full of students eyeing you. You decide you can’t look at her face any longer and stride away as fast as you can to your next lesson, ignoring the fact that maybe you should be feeling something more than this vague clouded pain. You wonder if there’s anything you touch that doesn’t break.

It isn’t until you get to your room at the end of the _week_ that it hits you, a sucker punch to your ribs, and you let the tears fall. “If you really loved her, you’d fight for her.” The voice in your head is screaming at you. You think you’ve fought enough for someone who didn’t fight back. There a part of you, the same part as your voice, that wants you to turn around and apologise, grovel for forgiveness because your words were too harsh, too false. The bigger part of you is exhausted from constant arguments pretending to be smoothed over with soft kisses and whispered apologies.

It takes you weeks to even look at her without somehow walking a different way (but you definitely were not avoiding her because that would be immature). Still, you manage to put on a façade for your friends, the group of witches who follow you blindly and laugh at everything you say. You crack jokes about the relationship and how being tied down was just too difficult. You pretend you can’t see Josie’s sad puppy-dog eyes staring at you when she thinks you aren’t looking, the way they switch to angry glares when she thinks you are. You think the only person who really understands you is the person you (don’t) run away from.

Lizzie starts calling you Satan and while your friends are offended, you kind of like the new moniker. (The voice in the back of your head whispers “It’s just the truth”). You fold it into your new personality, as you push yourself further than ever before in your studies, trying to find the boundaries in your magic and realising they’re much further than you ever thought. You manage to project a bubble of confidence and hope no one sees through the cracks. (There are so many and every single one of them is named Josie)

As the months pass you find yourself (childishly) provoking her into giving some sort of reaction at your antics, because at this stage your body still doesn’t know how to live without Josie in your life and your dumb fucking brain can’t help itself. You keep heckling Lizzie as she walks through the halls, making snide comments “Oh watch out, her majesty Elizabeth is passing through. Better not breathe too loud.” 

Lizzie side eyes you while turning her nose up, “I wasn’t going to say anything, but don’t you think Satan looks even more pathetic today?” She says to Josie. Josie just turns to glare at you and you give a saccharine smile and blow her a kiss as though that one acknowledgement from her doesn’t make your insides buzz.

Two new kids turn up at Salvatore, Raf and Landon. The twins are of course tasked with giving them a tour and Lizzie obviously fawns over Raf’s muscular figure. But your eyes notice the way Josie scans over him appreciatively and a hot wave of jealously washes through your stomach. You knew Josie would just let Lizzie have him though. It was the same story, different object. Your eyes meet hers as they walk past and you smirk knowingly while Lizzie glares, “That’s Satan, Josie’s evil ex, you can ignore her.” She says to the two boys. Their confused faces look over and you wink at the boys while continuing your conversation with the witches in front of you. 

You plan a party at the old mill because you could use a distraction from the fact that Raf would pick Lizzie over Josie as always and Josie would just let it slide with a smile on her face. In some weird, twisted way, you’d rather see Josie date Raf so she could at least try to be independent and take what she wanted for once. It might kill you to see it but if she was happy. Happier than she was now, after you selfishly broke her heart. You ignore the small part of you that hopes she would just tell Lizzie to fuck off and come back to you. 

So you throw a party. Jed’s managed to talk his way into a ton of alcohol from the local and you don’t really care who’s invited because you just needed a good time forgetting. You don’t expect to see Josie there and you kind of (definitely) do a spit take when you see her arrive. You decide to toss back the drink you’re holding and again your dumb fucking inebriated brain decides to do something reckless. 

You spot MG in the crowd and your mind zeros in on him as your choice. You decide to invite him into the kitchen so you’ll be alone. 

“You look thirsty, I bet you could use a little pick me up.” 

You automatically roll your eyes when he stutters and starts going for the stash of blood in the fridge and pull your hair to the side, baring your neck to him. 

“Wouldn’t you like to try it from the source?” You tease.

The rational voice in your head is yelling at you, once again, that this is quite possibly the dumbest thing you’ve ever done. The irrational part knows that being fed on can be a very pleasurable experience for both parties. 

So you pull MG closer by his collar and walk your fingers up his collarbone to wrap your hand around the back of his neck.

“What are you waiting for?” 

You hover your lips over his close enough that you can feel his unsteady breath before kissing him soundly. Some part of you hoped it would lift some of the bricks from your chest. The bigger part of you knows those bricks have made home there.

You’re rudely interrupted by a familiar gasp and turn your head to see Josie standing in the doorway for a brief moment before she flees. A stupid sliver of hope wonders if she’d decided to follow you there before you manage to quash it. There was no room for hope in the house of bricks within you.

MG guiltily backs away.

“Oh shit. I shouldn’t have done this. I… I gotta go.”

He’s gone before you finish blinking and you breathe out a sigh. A vindictive voice approves of the fact you managed to use Josie’s best friend against her. Your heart is still racing at the thought of nearly being fed on, forgetting about rippers in the heat of the moment. You’re no longer in the mood for a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta’d. I literally could not sleep and threw up 2k words about these two fools.


	2. if I bleed, you'll be the last to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain is all over the place and I got bored of writing along with canon and trying to remember it lmao. The alternative title for this chapter is I got drunk and rambled about Josie for a bit

Falling in love with Josie Saltzman was definitely one of the best decisions of your life. Well, maybe it was less of a decision and more of an eventuality; like anyone could stop themselves falling in love with her. You pretend it started when you saw her accidentally set fire to her potion and managed to put it out before she thought anyone noticed. (It was from the moment you met her).

You were 13 and foolishly thought that the first girl you dated would be the one for you. (Oh how you had no idea what was to come). You let her lead you astray (it was all your fault), and your grades dropped because she was so much more interesting than school. “I’ll do the math homework with you later if you come with me to the lake now.” (Naively you always forget that later would never come)

You never understood how two people could be so toxic for one another while being in love, because if you loved them wouldn’t you just want the best for them all the time? (You do want that, and you don’t figure out for years that maybe it was you all along). When the two of you finally break up, you think you’ll never love again, because you’re 15 and you don’t know any better. You steal her half her posse of friends out of spite.

You’re in a corner of the library one day pretending to stare at a book in front of you and Josie appears in the corner of your vision. You’d looked over at her and she introduced herself as though there’s anyone who doesn’t know the headmaster’s daughter. You mutter your name in a drawl and force a fake half smirk on your face and she gives you a bright smile before asking to sit next to you.

“We don’t have to talk; I just saw you here and thought you might like some company as you read.”

You’d kind of shrugged before turning your attention back to staring at the book in front of you. You both read in silence until the bell rang and she stood, shooting you her thousand-watt smile, “I’ll see you around.” You’d wondered if that’s what Icarus felt like when he made his wings.

You fell together gradually, mainly because Josie kept turning up when you were trying to study in the library, and you found that smiles came easier when she was around. Sometimes you would both study in silence, and other times you’d whisper about magical theory. It turned into naps in your room on warm afternoons when the air itself felt like a comforting blanket around the both of you.

You woke up one afternoon, turning over to face her as she was blinking awake herself, and you’d felt your heart start hammering in your chest. The overwhelming urge to kiss her sat beneath your ribs, pulling at your bones. Everything in you went “fuck it” and you leaned forward to brush your lips against hers before pulling back, breath caught in your lips. A smile slowly spread across her face and she said, “Do it again.”

You felt like Icarus flying.

Lizzie never really liked you to begin with, she always thought you were too rebellious. Just because you didn’t want to do the classwork doesn’t mean you didn’t want to learn. You just didn’t want to learn in the conventional way. With Josie by your side you began to learn patience, taking the time to make notes in class that you hoped would make sense at the end of the day. (They always did, with Josie leaning over your shoulder)

You couldn’t stop giving snark to Lizzie though. There were times when you thought she might’ve even appreciated it. Josie would always give you a look when the two of you started bickering and you’d reluctantly shut up, because while you enjoyed your banter with Lizzie, you definitely did not want to get on Josie’s bad side.

The two of you fell disgustingly in love. To the point you would accidentally wear somewhat matching outfits some days and you had to turn around and change because you couldn’t stand to be that stupid lovesick couple. You thought the both of you would never end.

Turns out you did. By your own fucking hand. Some days regret eats you alive and all you want to do is run back into her arms. Other days you’re so fucking angry at her for not trying harder that you have to go into the forest and hurl lightning bolts at trees until you can’t breathe. (You always feel like you can’t breathe these days)

Selfishly, (you don’t know how to be anything else), you don’t feel bad about taking advantage of MG. Mainly because you knew he was too nice to let this get between your somewhat friendship even if he was more Josie’s friend than yours. You reason that you’re just helping him get attention from the worse Saltzman.

The next night, Josie fucking sets you on fire. Sure, teasing MG like that was a dick move, but seriously? You were just chatting to your friends in the courtyard when suddenly your arm was on fire and quickly spreading. You can’t stop the scream coming out of your mouth and you yell for someone to just put it out. You can’t remember who got over their shock long enough to douse you in water and you’re stood there dumbly gasping for air. Your eyes dart around, and you see the back of Josie’s head as she quickly disappears around a corner.

You’re so fucking livid you nearly storm up to her to yell all the things that would hurt her the most in front of the entire school. You don’t though, you go to your room and seethe about it. Chopping the rest of your hair to match the length of the singed part and washing the acrid smell out of it. You almost can’t believe it because turns out Josie does have some fucking guts after all.

You remember the first time Josie ever tried black magic, the both of you curious teenagers and it was just a teeny tiny spell, right? Except that night you had to hold Josie’s hair back as she violently threw up black. It also cemented Lizzie’s dislike for you because the next morning had her throwing up as well. Your hands shook as she screamed at the both of you for doing something so foolish before stalking of to find Alaric. You swallow hard and promise yourself you wouldn’t lead Josie astray again. Except, Josie Saltzman is her own force of nature, and Lizzie Saltzman will blame you every single time.

Truth be told, now that you aren’t with Josie anymore, it’s really hard to keep your mouth shut about Lizzie. Dear god you knew you could be a bitch sometimes but you’re an angel compared to the shit Lizzie Saltzman pulls sometimes. Well, her or Alyssa Chang. That chick has a stick shoved so far up her ass there are roots growing.

So yeah you came from a really powerful coven and you weren’t the best at being humble sometimes, but you tried! You really didn’t need Lizzie waving your privilege in your face wherever you went because you like to think that a lot of what you earn is based on merit. Okay so yeah you sucked at being humble but there’s a difference between lack of modesty and shoving someone’s face in shit.

Another part of freedom now you weren’t with Josie meant you could do stupid things to help her out even if she hated you for it. (Oh, how many times can you bury the embers of a blazing fire?) So yeah maybe you wanted to shred Josie’s dignity for making you lose yours. You know if word ever got back to your mother about how you were humiliated, you’d get a beat down, love Josie or not. So you go for the throat: turn Lizzie against her. (Bonus for fucking with Lizzie in the process)

You can’t help but smirk when you see Josie’s pale face the morning before she has to take the field for the annual Mystic Falls vs Salvatore flag football game. You’d never play yourself of course (the idea of you losing anything was a joke, let alone on purpose). There’s no guilt when you sidle up to the twins to comment on the fact that maybe Josie throwing up was a reason. Like, you don’t know, being pregnant? (that one was a little low, but you’re still filled with anger). You smirk and put your hands up when Lizzie glares at you and Josie in kinder words tells you to fuck off.

“Already gone, Jojo,” but before you do, you just can’t resist having the last word. “Oh, by the way, hot tip for ya, maybe the next time you try to burn your ex’s hair off, make sure she can’t rob a lob.”

You throw a wink and a two fingered salute at them before striding away. You try to press your lips into less than a grin.

You decide to grab a book and sit on one of the lawn chairs the school has because the sun is shining and you can’t resist soaking up the rays like a cat. As you settle down to bake, you spot Raf and Hope arguing next to Dr Saltzman’s car and you frown at the pair. You make it your business to know what goes on in this school and you didn’t know the two were acquainted seeing as Hope made it her life goal to keep away from everyone. Soon, you spot Dr Saltzman throw his hunting bag in the boot and he obviously says something that pisses Hope off because she turns abruptly and gets into the car, slamming the door behind her. Dr Saltzman rubs at his face and sighs as he waits for Raf to finish tinkering with whatever under his car before the both of them get in as well.

The opportunity arises an hour later when you spot the twins walk past, talking about Raf. You roll your eyes because while you could admit he had a nice body, you weren’t a fan of werewolf instincts mixed with testosterone. Still, you can’t help but throw the fact that both the object of their attention and their father have hopped on the Hope-train out of town instead of watching their game this afternoon. You smirk when they say nothing and walk away. Your anger has its own fireplace in your chest.

The smug feeling you carry throughout the day quickly falls away when MG appears in front of you and he looks pissed. You can’t help but mentally pat yourself on the back for thinking of a reason for why you used him before he confronted you today. “Oh come on MG, no one likes the nerdling approach.” He’s easy to fool, and you throw in the fact that Lizzie actually saw him for once.

“Ugh I guess, but if you ever pull a stunt like that again you’re on your own, Peez.”

“Deal. Now let’s go watch this shit show.”

“Hey! I’m playing!”

“I know, God help us all.”


	3. All I ever wanted was to dream another sunset with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hello to the most inconsistent updater. Apparently drunk me likes to write about these two.

There’s something about watching Josie play football that makes you think of warm air perfect for a nap, of a million stars glowing in the dead of night, of the smell of spring in the breeze. She’s so unbelievably competitive and serious about it that your heart hurts because you’re so in love with every part of her.

You remember the entire summer you spent watching her play scrimmage games against the other kids left behind at Salvatore, eye black smeared across sharp cheekbones, and you still don’t know how to breath around her. You want to drag her to your room and do unspeakable things to her. You want this to last forever.

It doesn’t matter then that Lizzie calls the plays all the time because whenever Josie scores a touchdown, she looks for you sitting on the sidelines and all you can do is give her the proudest grin. Her returning smile is always brighter than the sun shining; it makes you want to write poetry. This is the one-time Lizzie Saltzman doesn’t factor in your relationship. You’d give everything in you to keep this version of Josie. 

After the games, the group of you pile into a booth at the Mystic Grill, slurping milkshakes and licking the lines of ice cream off your fingers. You’re pressed so close to Josie the only thing you smell is her shampoo as you watch Kaleb, Jed, and even Lizzie laughing at a joke MG said. You think you never want summer to end. You turn to Josie and press a sticky kiss against her cheek which makes her turn to you with questioning eyes. You shrug and smile in a way that says you did it just because you can and your chest feels so warm when she smiles back just for you. 

In the evenings, all of you take over the common room, binging on Harry Potter because while their magic wasn’t accurate, it was still a generational classic. You recite along with the actors on screen and laugh when Josie tickles you to get you to shut up. You turn your face to her, smiling conspiratorially as you subtly reach for a handful of popcorn from the bowl sitting on the table. She gives you the softest smile that almost makes you stop. Almost. 

You pretend to lean in for a kiss and she closes her eyes in anticipation before you dump the handful of popcorn in her shirt. She squeals and leaps up while everyone roars in laughter as she starts shaking the popcorn out. You can’t catch your breath from laughing so hard and Josie stands there red-faced waiting for you to finish before she whacks you hard in the arm. All you do is pout and rub at it dramatically until she rolls her eyes and kisses the pout off your face.

“I can’t believe you just wasted perfectly good popcorn like that!” Despite the admonishment, Lizzie’s eyes sparkle with amusement, and when your eyes meet, you think maybe you could be friends. You secretly cling to these moments. You know Josie definitely does.

Josie talks you into joining their football game once when they had uneven numbers. You saunter onto the field smirking.

“I’ll play but I’m not going to be holding back.”

You throw her a wink that makes a blush rise to her cheeks right before you hike the ball backward. It gets thrown into the hands of Lizzie who backs up quickly to make a clear throw while you and Josie sprint down the line. The moment Lizzie tries to throw the ball though, the illusion disappears and the ball emerges in your hands just before you cross the touchdown line. You smirk as you toss the ball behind you and stroll back toward the centre of the field. The boys just groan and complain about you cheating while Lizzie storms up to you and starts yelling at you for ignoring the play she called. 

“Hey, you needed me to play for even numbers and I scored, didn’t I?” You raise an eyebrow and she huffs before stalking off for another tantrum.

You turn to Josie with a triumphant grin on your face and you expect her to congratulate you on a spectacular play. Except all she does is give you a pointed look before running after Lizzie and you can only sigh as you pick up the forgotten football. The boys quietly follow in your footsteps when you head back into the school and away from Lizzie’s imminent outburst. 

That night, Josie whispers apologies into your skin and you know you’ve already forgiven her. 

“I just wish you would stop taunting Lizzie like that.”

You only sigh, “I’m doing nothing. She only sees what she wants to, and it’s that I’m just not good enough.” 

“Yes, you are. You didn’t have to pull that trick to prove that you’re good at magic.” She whispers into your shoulder.

“I didn’t do it to prove anything. I just like to win.” 

Josie just sighs and presses a kiss to your cheek before turning over to go to sleep. Sleep doesn’t come easily to you that night. You still wake up with your arm slung around Josie’s waist though, so you tell yourself that’s enough to let it go. 

You don’t get Josie’s happy grin when she scores anymore, and something inside you breaks every time she doesn’t look your way. 

You don’t have to worry about Josie scoring anything in this miserable November game. Quite honestly you think it’s pathetic how Salvatore is forced to lose every year. There was no way anyone would’ve thought this school had powers if you just threw in some losses among your victories and Dr Saltzman was an idiot. You’ve never said this to Josie though, you knew what fights to pick and you had quite enough of them.

You decide to throw in your two cents worth by convincing the team to win for once in their life because you were sick of seeing everyone act pathetic, even if Josie glared daggers at you the entire time. 

“Score a touchdown for me, MG. Well, I guess for Lizzie too.” You say as you pass a bottle of water to him.

He somehow manages to do it and you raise an eyebrow as you spot Dana trying to flirt with him afterward. Well, that was unexpected. Your eyes drift toward Lizzie and you can practically see the smoke coming out of her ears as she yells at MG to focus. He tries to stutter apologies that have you rolling your eyes again because god, that boy was a fool sometimes. Lizzie just huffs and calls the play as the game continues.

It’s halftime and Josie well past pissed at you and the vindictive side of you is thrilled. Salvatore has made a big comeback and you might actually win for once. Except of course, good ol’ Josie has to throw a wrench in your plans by pleading to everyone’s guilty “I have to make Dr Saltzman proud conscience” and you’re so sick of pandering to the Saltzmans. You throw the next best idea out there; door number three: win the normal way without any powers. Really, you had to pat yourself on the back for that one because you know from experience the team does have surprisingly good fundamentals when they forget about supernatural shit. 

You decide to drop the bomb and walk away for dramatic effect because, well, what’s the point of doing anything otherwise? You watch as the team manages to continue making progress on the field and you can’t help but actually feel proud of your school for once. 

Until Josie makes Kaleb fumble the ball on purpose. All you can do is pinch the bridge of your nose with a sigh. Still daddy’s perfect daughter. You don’t even stay long enough for the teams to shake hands.

You do plan an ambush on MG and slap your hand on his chest as he leaves the boys showers, making him jump a foot in the air. You roll your eyes because for a vampire, he really didn’t pay attention to his surroundings very well. 

“Right, strategy sesh.”

“Oh, nuh uh, I ain’t letting you drag me into more shit. All I got was the wrong girl looking.”

You huff and roll your eyes again, “You think this shit is gonna happen overnight after it hasn’t for the last three years? You gotta play the long con. Dana looking at you forces Lizzie to actually see you proper. Just trust me, yeah?”

MG is quiet for a moment as he takes in what you said. When he finally looks back at you, he’s still got questions and you’re starting to get tired. 

“What’s in it for you?”

You smirk, leaning in close to his ear, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” You decide you’ve had enough of the conversation and push yourself off the wall. God, you could really use a drink right now. 

You head to the roof, rolling a cigarette when you’ve leaned back against sun warmed tiles and stare across the school grounds. It’s a filthy habit you picked up from your ex and you just can’t seem to shake it. You’d almost managed to quit when you were with Josie but now that you weren’t… there just didn’t seem to be any point. You pull the smoke easily into your lungs and let the quiet sink in to join the heaviness in your chest. 

It’s not quiet for long because the door of the roof is thrown open and your first instinct is to throw the cigarette behind you and put it out. Your heart stops racing when you see that it’s just Josie fuming in the doorway and you sigh as you pick up your smoke to light it again. 

“I thought you quit?” Her eyebrow is furrowed, and the edges of her lips are dipped into a frown.

“Yeah, well, shit happens,” you shrug and take another drag, looking away before guilt eats away at your bones.

“Right. Well I didn’t come here for that. What the hell do you think you were doing at the game?”

“What did it look like, sweetheart? I was trying to get us to win for once.” Your voice sings bitter in the air.

“Didn’t you hear Dad when he said we had to lose so they wouldn’t think anything was different here?”

“Hm, I guess I’ve got some vague recollection about that... Look Josie, what’s it matter if we won for once? It’s not like we were going to wipe the floor with them. No one’s going to look to hard at an occasional win.” 

You make the mistake of looking at her and your heart feels like a brick is dragging it to the bottom of your body. The setting sun paints her in a glowing orange that still makes your breath catch in your chest. She is so heartbreakingly beautiful and right now you really wish you’d never let her go. The frown on her lips hasn’t left and you wish you could wipe it away with a kiss. 

You can’t though. You use taking another pull off your cigarette as an excuse to look away and blink away the beginnings of tears. Crying in front of Josie is the last thing you needed right now.

“Whatever game you’re playing, it needs to stop. No one needs your evil influence spoiling traditions that have been in place well before you even came to this school.”

It makes you laugh, a laugh that tastes so bitter you shut your mouth immediately. 

“Then I guess we still have different ideas of what people need.” You throw the cigarette butt onto the floor and crush it under your heel. “I’ll be here when you’ve decided you’re done losing.” 

You make it a point to push past Josie because you’re still mad about that whole fire incident and start your journey to the nice bottle of whisky waiting under your bed. 

You pretend you haven’t added another layer of bricks to the wall in your chest.


	4. Kiss me, Aphrodite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written as many future chapters as I have posted so far please forgive me. I cannot make my brain work in a linear fashion.  
> The chapter is a little shorter than usual but I wanted to get it out there and I just wanted soft!Penelope  
> Title of the chapter is from the song Kiss Me, Aphrodite by Oscar the Wild which I personally think is a work of art  
> I really need to stop posting shit when I'm drunk

This school was a fucking joke. An actual gargoyle came to life and just casually walked through the school and nearly turned Lizzie into stone? (Well, she’s already a stone-hearted bitch so it probably wasn’t hard for the rest of her body to catch up) Literally what the fuck?

Of course, it happens while the miraculous Hope Mikaelson and any one remotely competent are in Mystic Falls doing community service as punishment for using their powers at the game. (Seriously Dr Saltzman needed to chill the fuck out) How is it that everyone decent was on the football team except you? Well, there was also Alyssa, but that chick would probably lose all her powers than use them for something outside her interests. Again, stick, ass.

Somehow Lizzie was the one who warned the school about it, right before she gets her abdomen clawed apart by the monster. Classic Lizzie Saltzman to be ditching community service first chance she got. A vindictive part of you thinks she got what her ass deserved. Except she starts turning to stone, and okay you didn’t like her but that went a bit far. You leave trying to fix Lizzie to Miss Tig because there’s an entire school of children and a monster casually roaming through it. You help corral the upper years into their dorms and set up some boundary spells on the wings with the other witches.

You’re about to head to your own room yourself, seeking comfort in the fact that Josie was all the way in Mystic Falls with Hope Mikaelson and definitely not anywhere near this insanity, when something grabs your hand. You already have a spell ready on your lips when you turn, only to realise it’s Pedro.

“Pedro, what are you doing here? You’re meant to be with the lower years in the library with Miss Tig!”

“I just wanted to make sure you were safe and… I was scared…”

You sigh and grab his hand more firmly. “It’s okay kiddo, we’re going to get through this. Dr Saltzman has it under control. Now let’s go to the library because Miss Tig knows more than I do to keep you safe right now.”

You make a note to brush up on defensive and offensive magic if monsters were going start making a regular appearance at this school. A gargoyle?? The school was hardly Notre Dame!

The two of you slowly make your way toward the library, carefully peeking around corners and giving each other a thumbs up when the coast was clear. Your heart is thudding so loudly in your chest you irrationally fear the gargoyle can hear it.

You breathe a sigh of relief when you finally reach the library doors and thank god for clear windows so that Miss Tig can see you approach. Her eyes are wide and accusatory as she briefly lets down the boundary spell so you can enter.

“Penelope what are you thinking?!”

Her voice is a quiet hiss that still feels like it echoes around the silence and you silently gesture to the boy half clinging to your leg.

“Pedro! I didn’t realise you weren’t with us! When did you- doesn’t matter, both of you sit down and _be quiet_.”

Pedro curls into your side the moment you sit down, face pressed into your sweater, and the other kids look like they want to do the same. You just sigh and put your arm up so they can all press close to you and hide their faces away. They’re too young to be dealing with this and you can only curse Dr Saltzman again for letting this even happen. Not to mention how fucked it was that Lizzie was paralyzed and just lying on a table in front of them? Did no one in this school have any sense of what was normal?

You try to keep your breath even so the children don’t start panicking when the gargoyle appears through the window at the end of the corridor, their faces still turned away. You slowly move your arm up to cover their heads so you can feel if they get the urge to turn and look for whatever reason as you exchange wide eyes with Miss Tig.

You see her mutter a spell under her breath and you can’t help but hold yours as the monster slowly makes its way toward the doors. You don’t see anything change and you reach out with your magic to see if her spell has done anything or if you need to jump in front of these kids when the gargoyle decides to burst through those door. You hope the children can’t feel your heart racing.

You can feel a layer of something on top of the boundary spell and you really hope whatever Miss Tig has done will work.

It feels like you can’t do anything but hope these days, despite your hands itching to act. You think of Hope Mikaelson in her tribid glory, under special tutelage from the headmaster, apparently stronger than any of them, enough for Alaric to take hunting for the monsters that haunt people’s nightmares. There are some days you feel envy, and other days you remember what it cost her. You don’t know when she’ll ever stop running into monsters to run away from her grief.

In this moment Hope isn’t here, it’s just you and Miss Tig doing whatever you can to keep these kids safe. The back of your neck is starting to hurt from all the tension you’re holding as your eyes follow the gargoyle as it moves down the corridor. Your jaw clenches tight when it stops on the other side of the door, head scanning the room, Miss Tig staring it down through the glass.

You think you might actually cry tears of relief when the gargoyle turns away to continue its journey through the school. Miss Tigg runs over to check on all of you and you only manage a silent nod when she asks if you’re okay. Pedro still clings tightly to you and in that moment you really wish you could cling tight to comfort of your own.

It’s sunset by the time Alaric comes around to collect you from the library, and once again the legendary Hope Mikaelson has saved the day. You wish you could smash down the jealously eating at you, because you haven’t been the centre of attention for awhile but everything in you strives to be the perfect student, the perfect daughter, and to be perfect you had to be top of the food chain, which would never happen with Hope there.

You breathe out all your frustrations and you must have the biggest grumpy face because everyone avoids you like the plague for days.

Except for Pedro, who greets you with a cheerful smile whenever he sees you and you can’t help but let it melt your icy exterior when you say hello back with the gentlest smile you can manage on your face.

This school was a joke, but you can’t help but think about all the reasons you stay. (Josiejosiejosie) There aren’t exactly a lot of supernatural schools to go to in the region and the Parks couldn’t let their only daughter grow up a recluse. MG ends up being a comfortable friend to have, a quiet pillar of support that makes you think of nuclear bunkers you go to when the world is ending. Yeah, you’d definitely have MG at your side if the world ever ended.

You take everything you said about MG back when you find out he told everyone in school you stayed to protect the lower years with Miss Tig.

“It’s really fucking hard to keep a badass persona that keeps people away if you tell them shit like that MG!”

“But I thought you should be really proud of what you did because that was brave as hell!”

You huff and turn away so he won’t see the smile on your face, because yeah, you did like being the star in people’s hero stories for once.

“I’m a badass bitch and don’t you forget it,” you say with a hard punch to his arm as you walk away.

“No one’s questioning that! … Much?” he calls after you.

You seek Josie out, because despite everything between you, there is an inherent need to make sure she’s okay. You know she must’ve come back with Hope when they realised something was wrong and you just, you need to know.

“Jojo,” you breathe out when you finally see her.

She turns to look at you and immediately turns away again.

“What do you want?”

“Just... making sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah, well, I’m clearly fine, so you can leave now.”

The words cut deeper than you want them to.

“Yeah… bye.”

* * *

“Jo?”

Her eyes don’t move from the words in front of her and there is no indication that she’s heard you.

“Jo? Jo. Josie. Josette.”

Her head snaps up and there’s an adorable confused look on her face.

“Sorry, I was super into the book. What is it?”

“Just wanted to say that you look really cute.”

She huffs and rolls her eyes, despite the smile growing on her face.

“Thanks, but did you need to say that right now? I was super into the scene!”

“Yep. It was monumentally important. It will always be monumentally important. You’re cute and I need to tell you like right now.”

She gives you a look that loses all its heat because of the smile playing at her lips before turning her eyes back to her book.

You manage to read another three sentences before you’re back to staring at her out of the corner of your eye. It’s four in the afternoon and the sun is bright through the windows of your room, lighting Josie’s face from the side and accentuating her sharp cheekbones. It colour her hair a golden brown that reminds you of Christmas pastries and…

“Hey Jojo.”

Her nose scrunches up and her eyebrows furrow together when she looks at you.

“Jojo?”

“Yeah, because it takes calling your name twice to get your attention.”

She stares at the teasing half grin on your face before leaning in and wiping it off with a kiss.

“I like you, but I don’t think that nickname is going to stick.”

“Hmm, I think otherwise, Jojo”

You let her glare at you a little longer before it’s your turn to kiss the frown off her face.


	5. Another day, 'nother headache in this hangover hotel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more plot driven and less emotional bc idk what I’m doing lmao

It takes a second monster plaguing the town for Dr Saltzman to decide to form an honour council.

"Given recent events, some students have expressed concern that I am not allowing you to have a say in the decisions that affect your future. And I agree. If you are expected to abide by this school's policies, it's only fair that you have a voice in how those rules are made. So, I am forming an honour council. One vampire, one witch, and one werewolf—each elected by their peers, along with Emma, whose vote will represent the younger students. The votes will be collected at the end of the first week of next term to allow all of you ample time to consider who to vote for." 

The room breaks into conversation immediately, and your eyes fall on Lizzie, who was already staking her bold claim on becoming the witch representative to Josie, who quietly nods along with her campaign ideas. You fight the spark of annoyance that rushes through you at Lizzie just assuming she would win it. 

Everyone knew she would just abuse the position for her own selfish vendetta instead of respecting what the witches really wanted. It was just that no one wanted to oppose her, it wasn’t worth the anger or the meltdown that would inevitably happen when she didn’t get what she wanted.

You think of the times Josie has confided in you about trying to calm her down, of the time she had to fetch her father because she wasn’t enough to calm Lizzie. The times she’s had to drop everything for her sister because she was destroying the kitchen. There was nothing wrong with mental illness, as long as you were in control of it and had measures in place to help you cope healthily. Destruction was not a healthy coping mechanism.

You could run for the seat; you like being a leader, problem solving came naturally to you, the witches look up to you for your power (there was a reason Mr Williams calls on you to demonstrate in Chemistry of Magic). 

Your eyes drift back to Josie (they always do) and you realise there’s a better candidate than you. You may be popular for power but Josie? Josie is popular for kindness. She’s level-headed and respectful of authority (a bit of a suck up sometimes). She’s powerful for sure, even if it was never demonstrated the same way Lizzie did hers, but the care she shows everyone is worth so much more. 

In this moment you decide that you’re going to make sure Josie wins, no matter what, because she deserves the recognition, and everyone is going to fall in line. You just have to figure out how before most of the school left for winter break in three weeks.

It’s four days later when you’re in the library pretending to read when you notice that there is no reference book in front of the person by the window and they’re writing in an A5 notebook instead. Journal? Diary? Either way it gives you the most brilliant idea: spelled pens. If you manage to find a way to get a pen to duplicate anything it writes into a notebook of your own, it means you’ll be able to read everyone’s secrets. 

You immediately grab a few books you think will be useful from the library before heading to your room to order some pens with the Salvatore crest on them. You needed to get it done by Christmas and there was some complex magic to figure out.

The concept would be that the duplication spell would be in the ink and not the physical body of the pen. The spell triggers when the pen is being used, copying the placement of ink into a notebook which would in turn log the date and time the magic is triggered. Now you just had to make it reality.

While the pens are being made and shipped, you spend every free moment either testing out different ideas on cheap ballpoint pens you found at the bottom of a drawer or trying to talk Josie up to the rest of the witch student body. 

“If your interests don’t line up with hers?” You shake your head, “You’re witch non-grata. I personally believe that you deserve a better candidate.”

A familiar voice interrupts you from behind before you can continue. 

“So you’re running for honour council just to spite her! That’s low, Penelope, even for you.”

The group you were talking to quickly scramble away and you fight the sigh trying to escape your lips in favour of an indifferent mask when you stand to face Josie.

“You used to like it when I went low.”

Josie walked straight into that one. She wanted low from you? She got it. It’s worth the familiar flustered glance away you used to get when you teased her in the past. 

“You know what I mean,” her voice is low, and you can’t help but step closer, yearning for what used to be.

“You don’t even like extracurricular activities, let alone anything that involves a moral compass!”

Your eyes fall on the poster she holds in her hands as you get closer, and you realise what she was planning on doing.

“Oh, and your one-witch ethics committee is okay with double plagiarism?”

You snatch the board out of her hands and hold it up to her face. It was tacky and you know Josie didn’t really want Lizzie in the role either, but the moment Lizzie said she wanted it, Josie had to prop her up like always. 

“It is not like Hope was an option.” 

The small admission brings a smug smile to your face. 

“Bow out now, or I will crush you.” 

The threat felt hollow, there was no bite to the words, and you know that Josie would never be able to bring herself to do it; she always lacked the killer instinct you and Lizzie shared. 

“Oh honey, you crush on me, and deep down you know I’m right. Your sister’s unfit for office.” 

She’s quiet for a moment, staring you down, and you only hold her gaze, your silence has always been louder than words. She breaks it soon to continue her original mission and you can only sigh.

The pens arrive the week after. In this time, you’ve managed to finesse the magic to do what you want. One duplication spell on the ink to copy into a massive scrapbook you ordered, and one on the scrapbook to automatically notate date and time of any entry into the book. The only thing was that you couldn’t get rid of this annoying scratching sound whenever anything was written. In a way it’s a system to alert you to someone writing but it’s still annoying, if the other teenagers were anything like you, you’d be hearing that scratch until 4am.

It’s the best you can do with your impending deadline, and you start mass casting spells on the pens. You only manage about 7 per day before your magic starts screaming at you in exhaustion and you blissfully pass out at the end of each day. Thank god there’s only around 70 students in the upper years, plus a few for the teachers on the off chance they decide to use it.

You finish the whole operation 2 days before term finishes for winter break. The entirety of the next day is spent baking a shit ton of cookies for the lower years so they don’t feel left out (You’re not a monster after all). 

When the last day of term comes, you plaster a bright smile on your face as you hand the pens out. There’s every chance no one would use them, and you might have just spent the last three weeks of your life exhausting your magic for nothing, but you let yourself believe in the gullibility of people to pretend that idea doesn’t hurt. 

You’ve thought about whether to give one of your pens to Josie a million times since you realised your idea might come to fruit. It’s a dilemma you never really wanted to think about if you’re honest.

On one hand there’s the guilt of learning her secrets so deviously, and you can’t help but wonder if she’d ever trust you again if she found out. (You push away the voice that says you’re not meant to be trusted anyway, not anymore.) On the other hand, the opportunity to learn how Josie truly feels is so tantalising. The chance to know what her true inner thoughts say, whether she agrees with you (you hope) about finally getting sick of Lizzie forever stealing the spotlight, never thinking about her feelings. 

In the end you do end up giving a pen to her, with a “Merry Christmas, Jojo,” and a sly wink that for once churns your stomach. You resolve that the guilt will outweigh the pros of being able to give her voice a chance to speak up. If you regret it later… well that’s future Penelope’s problem. Right now, you tell yourself it’s for the greater good. 

You’re excited to see if enough people fall for the mistake of using your kind Christmas gift. Honestly, the school was full of idiots and you can’t wait to find out every single thing about their lives. 

Except it’s been over a week and you’ve come to realise how boring this school actually is. Anything useful you tuck under your belt as ammo if you ever need to threaten to blow up someone’s life. Find out their secrets so you can press on bruises they didn’t think you knew about to distract them from ever finding yours. 

You throw yourself into your bed and press your face hard into the pillow in frustration in the echoing silence of your home. Your parents are forever busy, and you’ve long made peace with the fact that you won’t always have their time, but they always try to express their love in their own way.

Finally, one late evening, you find yourself intrigued by a letter Dr Saltzman wrote to Miss Forbes, because those are rare, and you know treasure when you find it. Your eyes start scanning the page and you find yourself focusing on the words “The Merge” and the fact that it concerns the twins and a race against the clock. That was mysterious as hell and you were obviously going to find out as much as you could about it.

It’s a few days until you return to the school term and you’re itching to find out more about this mysterious merge. Your internet searches have turned up fruitless, and even your parents have no idea about it. The family library isn’t exactly the best at anything outside law, international relations, and your own coven’s history, so that ends up being a dead end as well. 

The moment you get back to school and dump your suitcase in your room, you make your way to the school library. 

Except…

You throw the book back onto its shelf and breathe hard into your clenched fists as all you find is another book with pages torn out exactly where you think you’re finally going to find information. The churning in your stomach grows stronger with every suspiciously empty book you find. The merge is something bad enough that no authority figure ever wanted any student to find out. You angrily throw your chair back under the desk and storm out of the library, trying to think of places Dr Saltzman would hide this kind of information. 

His office was obviously the first place anyone would look, but you also wonder if he was dumb enough to just hide it in plain sight. He was dumb enough to use your enchanted pen to write this letter though… so maybe you had a chance. You force yourself to wait and go to dinner so no one suspects you might be up to anything. Your opportunity would come tonight when everyone else was sleeping because there was no way anyone would think you’d try something on the first day back at Salvatore. 

It’s 2 in the morning when you throw the covers off impatiently. You made sure you were wearing dark pyjamas so you weren’t easy to spot, but you could pass off that you were just a hungry student sneaking to the kitchen for a midnight snack. 

You keep your breathing quiet and even as you pad toward the headmaster’s office. You find its lock easy to undo with a whispered spell and you quickly make your way toward his shelves. The first thing you do is check for any glamours on the books and while you see a hole where fake books are hiding an ornate box, you don’t see any book titles change in front of you. You reach for the box anyway, because you just need to know what Dr Saltzman deems important enough to hide with magic, and you find an odd shape made up of various pieces of metal that fit together like a clock. You memorise the details before putting it back how you found it and make a note to look into it further another time. Right now however, was for finding out about this mysterious Merge. 

You decide to just start pulling books off their shelves and rifling through to see if there was anything that might be important. After 20 minutes, you start to think maybe this was a waste of your time and you should pursue other paths. You decide that you’d just try one last thing, because this whole time you’d been thinking like a witch, and Dr Saltzman was definitely not. So you reach for a volume of the encyclopaedia, because while everyone likes having one for show in their office, no one actually opens them anymore. Dr Saltzman could’ve just… swapped the book covers the old fashioned (human) way.

You can’t stop the giddy laugh that comes out of your mouth when you see it’s not an encyclopaedia after all and instead details the history about the Gemini Coven. You quickly clamp your hand over your mouth and stare at the door, listening for any sounds of life. You slowly look back toward the book and start looking through the index for the Merge.

“The Gemini twins must merge their magic on their 22nd birthday so the coven may find a new leader. The stronger twin will absorb the weaker‘s magic and unfortunately, the weaker twin must die to bring a new age for the Gemini Coven”

You don’t know if you’re breathing anymore, because your ears feel like their filled with water and there’s a ringing so loud you can’t think. Your eyes continue staring at that paragraph until the words look clouded and distantly, you think you can’t let those tears fall on the pages or Dr Saltzman might know you’d been there. Your mouth is so dry you don’t think you could say anything even if you wanted to. You press your lips together so hard no one can see them, and your hands shake as they put the book back. You think maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to remove all evidence of it in the school library after all.

You quietly make you way back to your room and get back into bed, staring at the ceiling. You don’t sleep that night.


	6. Glitter & Crimson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josie wins the witch representative seat on the honor council

There’s a week until council elections and you have so much to do but you can’t seem to concentrate on anything.

There’s no reason to promote Josie to the witches anymore, at this point there’s nothing Lizzie can really do to convince them to vote for her considering the majority of her campaigning has been headed by the one witch you’re trying to get them to vote for.

The words you read in Dr Saltzman’s office haunts your every move and your eyes can’t stop following Josie. She must think you to be the world’s biggest creep, but you can’t help yourself, not when there’s so much at stake.

Josie might die and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

You barely sleep, only succumbing to slumber in the early hours of morning, when birds begin to chirp, and the sky begins to take on the breathtaking glow Josie seems forever painted with.

You plaster a fake smile on your face as you blindly walk through hallways, your lips forming words you don’t remember the moment they escape your mouth. You press your lips firmly together in your best bitch face to pretend you don’t know why your foundation doesn’t quite seem to match your complexion anymore; press your pen harder into the paper you’re forced to write onto in class, close them in tight fists when you’re not, to pretend your hands don’t shake; pretend each breath doesn’t pierce iron rebar into your chest.

You wonder if this is what it feels like to drown.

You wonder if this is what Josie would feel during the Merge, to have the life sucked out of her when Lizzie takes and takes. _Takes._ Like she always does, like she has been their entire life.

Your stance changes from make Josie the witch representative for the good of the people to push her into leadership and independence from Lizzie so she won’t be fucking absorbed into her twin when they turn 22. The moment of clarity hits you when you’re staring at Josie hand some sort of clothing, folded messily into a small bundle to Emily in bustling corridors and you’re not even surprised Josie has resorted to bribery.

She’s always had the independence within her, just as capable of underhanded tactics to get what she wanted, more powerful magically. She just needs to want something for herself more than Lizzie’s happiness, ( _more than she wanted you_ strangles your throat), and you need to push her until she realises it (even if it cost you everything you had, even if it meant she would feel nothing but hate for you, because then at least she would be alive to do it).

Josie walks past you with hard eyes, making you realise your own have been following her far too long, far too obviously. You manage to raise your eyebrows at her despite the static flooding your thoughts knowing you’ve been caught. You force a (what you hope is smug) smile, brittle twigs holding up your façade, and in the end it’s you who breaks her gaze so your feet can mindlessly carry you back to your room where you don’t have to pretend you don’t breathe glass.

That night, the light of your laptop burns your eyes as you desperately try to find any sort of old folklore even relating to the Gemini coven. It’s 3am when you throw your laptop further down your bed, the glow of the screen casting shadows all over your room. You turn to press your face hard into your pillow when you think you smell Josie for a second. It’s enough to make pain shoot an arrow through your lungs and you suddenly can’t stop crying. Sometimes you wish you could just forget what she smelt like, sometimes you wish the smell of her would stay in your sheets forever.

“Why do we always have movie nights in your room? Mine has more pillows.”

“Yours also has your sister in it. You could just bring some of your pillows over you know?”

“But then I would have to carry them back,” she pouts at you.

“I would carry them for you, loser. You could also just use magic.”

“But that’s effort.”

You sigh, “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“Please, you’re lucky to even have me.”

The sentence brings a stupid lovesick smile to your face.

“Yeah. Yeah I am.”

“Now who’s the loser?”

“Mm still you. I’m definitely a winner because I got you.”

“Alright, Casanova, are you going to put a movie on or not?”

“What do you want to watch?”

“What about _Up_?”

“Ugh you know it always makes me cry.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand.”

“You better.”

At some point during the movie, you’d gone from sitting up with your arm around Josie to laying your head on her lap with one of her hands stroking your hair and the other holding yours as promised. The scene on the screen always makes you teary so you turn over to stare up at Josie instead.

“You’re not watching the movie.” Her eyes fall to meet yours.

“This is the part that makes me cry.”

“I’m holding your hand.”

“You’re so beautiful you could make me cry too,” slips from your lips, heartbeat echoing in your ears, because despite being together for 4 months now, complimenting Josie always made you a little nervous.

“What?” It’s clear she wasn’t expecting you to say anything like that. “Thanks? I don’t want you to cry though, that would make me sad.”

“Happy tears, babe.”

“Still.”

You’re glad there’s no school tomorrow because you could stare at Josie forever. The silence stretches until Josie gets too flustered to continue eye contact and her gaze flits away.

“Shit it’s 3am. We should sleep.”

“Probably.”

You face each other at the foot of your bed, illuminated by your still open laptop, neither of you really willing to open the door so Josie can sneak back into her room.

“I should go.”

“Probably.”

She only rolls her eyes and leans in for a kiss.

“Goodnight, Pen. Sleep well.”

“Sweet dreams, Jojo,” you breathe out, with three taps to the back of her hand.

Her gaze is questioning, and you remain silent even as the only thing running through your brain are three words you know it’s too soon to say aloud. You give her a smile that says you’re not telling her what it means, that says she will find out eventually, when the words force themselves out of you and how desperately you want it to be in the perfect moment.

“I adore you.”

Her smile is so soft you think maybe your heart is sitting on the clouds far above you instead of racing between your ribs.

“I adore you too. Okay I have to go. Goodnight, Pen.” She presses another kiss to your lips in the doorway.

“You already said that.”

“Shut up, Penelope.”

You grin and blow her a kiss before closing your door behind her. You don’t stop grinning as you fall asleep with the smell of Josie surrounding you.

You dramatically blow your vote into the election box, reminiscent of the way you blew Josie kisses at every opportunity. You can’t help the small sad smile that appears when your eyes meet hers as you walk down the remainder of the stairway, and you wonder if she’ll ever want that from you again. You hope one day she might forgive you for what’s about to happen as you take your seat and watch Miss Tig call for the attention of the room.

“Alright, let’s begin, shall we?”

The wolf representative is Raf, to no one’s surprise, considering he literally beat Jed up to become alpha just so he could get the pack’s vote. There’s a part of you that feels bad for Jed, but wolf politics were never really your flavour.

The vampires vote for Kaleb, to MG’s disappointment. You also saw this coming. Vampires are almost as precious about loyalty as wolves are and everyone thought it was MG’s fault that Kaleb got locked up. You probably should’ve told him the nerdling approach doesn’t work on his peers either.

You watch Josie start fixing up Lizzie’s tacky prep school jacket in preparation, and you may feel a little guilty knowing Josie was about to cop a lot of shit from her for what you’ve done, except you also know Lizzie probably had her acceptance speech written since the day Dr Saltzman even announced the council, and Lizzie deserves everything that was coming.

“And the witch representative will be… Josie.”

You can’t stop the absolutely satisfying feeling of triumph from filling your belly as Lizzie’s face falls in horror. Josie looks like she’s had the air punched out of her and you see the moment she realises exactly what happened. Her head snaps to face you and you throw her a wink and a finger gun firing right at her.

You wonder if Josie felt this satisfied when she set your arm on fire.

You can’t deny the vindictive part of you enjoyed Lizzie’s look of utter betrayal, enjoys the knowledge that sowing the seeds of Josie’s independence was painful for both twins; Josie was just as guilty of not fighting for your relationship after all. This was your shot in retaliation (you’re 17 and allowed to be childish).

“Congratulations to the newly elected student council.”

Congratulations indeed.

That evening you find Lizzie in the gym with a punching bag and god, even trying to get her frustrations out she was pathetic.

“Sweet of you not to want to hurt that punching bag.”

You can’t help but take another shot at Lizzie, hiding your real fear behind maliciousness.

“You want to take its place?”

“Don’t blame me. It’s the rest of the witches who knew how bad you’d be at that job.”

“What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?”

Classic Lizzie Saltzman, assuming the entire world centred itself around her. You close your eyes and take a moment to fight the instinct to just scream at her because screaming never did solve anything.

“It’s not about you,” you draw the words out to try and make her understand, “Shocking, I know. It’s about how you treat Josie.”

“I love Josie.”

“Did you _think_ to ask her if she wanted to run for the council before you _assumed_ you’d win? You’ve left her with no room for herself.”

It’s such a wonderful feeling to _finally_ be able to speak your mind, knowing Lizzie might hear what you have to say instead of brushing it off.

“She spends all of her energy taking care of you. She doesn’t have time for a relationship because you are a black hole of time, and energy, and love, just sucking it all up. Never giving any of it back.”

You’re so, so angry. This is why your relationship failed, why you can’t be with the love of your life, because she’s too busy tearing herself apart for Lizzie. This is your chance to finally speak your mind and god, it felt good.

“Oh, she won’t ever bring your world down, so I will do it for her.”

You let your eyes scan over Lizzie’s defeated posture, and you can’t help the hum of satisfaction that comes out of you when you realise your words have hit so hard you’ve left her speechless.

Josie barges into your room while you’re getting ready for bed, and you’re thankful that you managed to put your pyjama shorts on a few minutes before she flung the door open.

“What the hell was that, Penelope?”

You choose to continue brushing your hair in the mirror while you try to think of a response. You hadn’t exactly expected Josie to confront you right now, but you should’ve known, Josie had always been impatient.

“What the hell was what?”

Denial never helped anyone, but in this moment you want to antagonise Josie for every hurt bone in your body.

“Don’t _fucking_ pretend with me. You got the witches to vote for me to be witch representative even though I don’t want it!”

It’s kind of unfair how hot Josie is when she swears, you think, but it’s also very bad for you because Josie never swears that hard unless she’s properly angry.

“Quite honestly, you’re better than the alternative and you know it. Seize your newfound independence, Jojo, you get the decision of what’s best for all of us, and I have complete faith that you’re the best person for the job.”

“You’re so infuriating sometimes! Did you ever think that I never wanted this?”

“We all know what you want isn’t the real issue here; it’s the fact that Lizzie is butthurt that you’re actually outshining her for once. You’re the best person for the job, Jojo, you know I’m right.”

“You do not get to make my decisions for me! You don’t get to play god with this school as your shitty playground! Did you ever think about my feelings?”

You look into her eyes, teary with how much anger she’s feeling, and you know how much she hates that she’s an angry crier.

“It’s for the greater good.”

You don’t recognise the voice that speaks until Josie looks like she’s been slapped in the face and you realise that it’s you.

“Fuck you, Penelope,” she spits out before storming out of your room.

The vindictive part of your brain is silent.

“The greater good,” you breathe out again before turning to slam a fist into the wall.

You think the sharp pain that floods your knuckles is just as satisfying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pretty much based this entire chapter on Glitter & Crimson by All Time Low so enjoy


	7. Stop the ceaseless thinking; I've got nothing nice to say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a filler chapter because I didn't feel like I could jump straight into the next episode (the twin's birthday). So today on Penelope doesn't want to deal with her feelings: here is a ton of dialogue. I hope this makes sense

Josie avoids you like the plague. Well, avoids you more than usual. You don’t even have the energy to antagonise Lizzie when you’re so exhausted that all your focus is on trying to pretend everything’s fine. You have no doubt she thinks you must be plotting something new because her eyes follow you suspiciously whenever you walk into the same room.

Every free moment of your time is spent waiting to see if Dr Saltzman would write something, anything with your pen about the Merge so you could have some clue about what was coming. Every stupid scratching sound makes you jump and even MG is getting concerned by your behaviour. You don’t know how to get yourself under control when it feels like your very bones are just waiting to pounce out of your skin.

Most nights you end up passing out with the scrapbook on your chest and you think you must dream about Josie dying because you always wake up shaking at the first sign of dawn. You never remember what you dreamt of.

Miss Tig pulls you out of class one day, everyone staring at you. You search for the only person whose opinion you care about; except she averts her gaze the moment your eyes find hers.

“What’s going on, Penelope? Your grades are slipping, and you don’t look like you’re sleeping much.”

“I’m fine. School’s just a little overwhelming that’s all.”

“School has never been difficult for you. Is there something else going on? Are your parents okay?”

Your parents. You haven’t spoken to them in weeks, not that you’d really noticed.

“Yeah my parents are fine. I’m just… having trouble sleeping.”

Close enough, right?

“Okay, well I think we should see each other once a week to keep track of it. What’s your bedtime routine?”

Well, step 1: stare at your spying book in hopes that Dr Saltzman writes something to Miss Forbes with your pen. If he has, try and decipher what you can out of the one-sided conversation you can read. If not, read everything the spying book has recorded so far. Step 2: Get drunk and high on the roof or at the old mill to try and escape from this hell you’re living in until step 3: the weed and alcohol makes you tired enough to pass the fuck out.

Yeah. You can’t tell any of that to Emma.

“Brush my teeth, plot the deaths of my enemies, successfully kill them in my dreams.”

Miss Tig just raises an eyebrow at you, “Very funny, Penelope.”

“Look, I’ve just been having trouble sleeping because school is stressful, that’s all.”

“And there is nothing else troubling you?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

Honestly, that was quite possibly the weakest lie you’ve ever told.

“Right. Well, have you ever tried meditation or mindfulness?”

Dear god, please kill you now.

“I’d rather die.”

“Great! So, you’re going to do 10 minutes before bed every day. Just clear your mind and focus on your breathing. I’ll be checking on your progress each week. You better be doing it, or I’ll be writing your parents to discuss other treatment plans.”

“Ugh, fine. Can I go now?”

“Yes.”

You’ve been far too careless; your feelings have made you seem like a fool in front of the entire school, and you’re so angry at yourself for letting them see your weakness.

You don’t know how long you spend just outside Miss Tig’s office contemplating how hard you’d have to punch the wall for you to break your hand when a small voice you hadn’t heard in a while calls for you.

“Penny? Are you okay?”

The sound makes you jump, reminding you again that you’ve been far too jumpy waiting for shadows to climb out of the depths of your mind to taunt you. You clench your hands into fists to force them still so you can put up your façade for one of the most important people you need to fool.

“Yeah, Pedro, I’m okay. Or at least, I will be. I’m just tired.”

Lies, lies, lies. You really wonder how you manage to fool everyone in your life (you don’t).

“You haven’t come to play in a while and your eyes look so dark. I told Miss Tig I was worried about you. Please don’t hate me.”

You manage to swallow past the lump that’s appeared in your throat, knowing even _Pedro_ was worried.

“I could never hate you, kiddo. I’m sorry I haven’t played in a while; I’ve had a lot on my mind. If you want I can come play now? I’ll teach you how to turn your fingers into sparklers.”

“Really? That would be so cool!”

“Of course. You’re going to be a certified charmer when we’re done.”

* * *

“You never let anyone call you Penny. Whenever I try you get all sulky with me. So why does Pedro get to call you Penny?”

“Because it’s Pedro! You can’t just crush his dreams like that!”

“I would hardly call it crushing his dreams, babe.”

“Only three people in my life are allowed to call me Penny: My mom, my dad, and Pedro. Sorry, Jojo, you just don’t make the list.”

She crosses her arms and pouts, turning her gaze toward the forest behind the football field.

“Jojo? Are you seriously mad at me?”

Her silence is telling.

“Ugh, you know you’re the only one allowed to call me Pen right? Do you know how dumb it is to have a nickname that’s a writing utensil? But I let you call me that because I love you.”

Oh. You never meant to blurt it out like this.

“What?”

You had a romantic dinner on the roof planned and MG was going to distract Josie while you set it up and damnit.

“Uhh having a nickname that’s the same as a writing utensil is dumb?”

“No you dumbass. You know what I meant.”

Well, words cannot be unspoken so you better fucking roll with it now.

“I let you call me Pen because... fuck it wasn’t meant to go like this y’know?”

“Shut up and say it again.”

“You know, you really contradicted yourself there. I can’t shut up and speak at the same time,” Josie whacks you in the arm, “aaand shutting up now.”

“Say it again.”

“Fine. I- goddamnit why is this so hard?” You take a deep breath and briefly wonder if it’s possible for Josie to hear how hard your heart is hammering in your chest right now.

“I love you, Josie Saltzman. Are you happy now?”

The blinding smile she gives you is worth every ounce of floundering.

“Yes, because I love you too, Penelope Park. Even if you were kind of a mess there.”

“You’re never going to let me live this down are you?”

“Never. Now shut up and kiss me.”

* * *

You swear you’re just resting your eyes, slumped against the very wall you were contemplating punching just a few days ago when Miss Tig’s office door slams open, making you stumble and fall to the floor with all the grace of a newborn deer.

“What’s been wrong with you lately? Is the journey from hell too tough? Because you could always just stay there instead of harassing the living.”

It’s the last person you want to see right now, apart from your stupid weekly appointment with Miss Tig, because apparently the person with an appointment before yours is none other than Bitch Queen Extraordinaire, Lizzie Saltzman.

“If I died right now, please know I would immediately haunt you for the rest of your life.”

“Please, you could try. Hard to haunt anyone when you have no soul.”

“The devil manages to haunt plenty of people just fine. I seem to recall an entire cult worshipping me… Satanism I believe it’s called? Of course you wouldn’t have heard of it because it means acknowledging there’s more than you to this universe.”

Your point is kind of ruined by the massive yawn that takes over your mouth the moment you finish speaking.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but maybe you should try sleeping before the lowers years think you’re Satan too. Haven’t you ever heard of concealer?”

“Depends on whether you’ve heard of mind your own damn business.”

“Ugh, whatever. I can’t believe my sister fell in love with a ghoul.”

You really need to get your shit together if even Lizzie is concerned about you.

Instead, you give her the sweetest smile you can muster until you can’t help but laugh at the uncomfortable and alarmed look on her face.

“A ghoul is still better than whatever washed up barbie you’re trying to pull off.”

You take pleasure in shutting Miss Tig’s office door on her spluttering face.

“That wasn’t very nice, Penelope,” you turn to face Miss Tig’s unimpressed face.

“Too bad I’ve never been any good at playing nice. Ask anyone at school.” You slump into the chair across her desk.

“Now, we both know that’s not true. You’ve shown kindness plenty of times. I know for a fact that Pedro adores you.”

“Yeah well, he’s the exception.”

“You don’t need grand gestures to show kindness. It’s in the little details of the things you do.”

“Too bad people use your kindness as a weakness against you.”

Miss Tig hums and writes something down.

“You know, lack of sleep also leads to shorter tempers and snapping irrationally to perfectly normal situations. How has your meditation practice been going?”

“Unsurprisingly unsuccessful. It’s boring.”

“Did you at least try?” She sounds so exasperated with you that you’re insulted. It’s not like you enjoy barely sleeping every night.

“Yeah,” you say in a “duh” kind of tone, “Everything’s just... too loud.”

“Do you at least have a set routine that you adhere to?”

Yes. It hasn’t changed much since your first talk. Except before you get drunk or high, you attempt to clear your head in hopes that maybe it would be the day you don’t have to run headfirst into a bottle to go to sleep.

How do you tell anyone you’re too busy grieving a death that hasn’t happened yet to care about anything else?

“Penelope?”

“Yes.”

“Would you care to talk me through your routine?”

“Not particularly.”

“Penelope, I can’t help unless you let me.”

“I never said I wanted help.”

“Fine. Let’s talk about school then. How are you finding your classes?”

“Boring. I wish they would teach more offensive magic because no offense, it’s quite pathetic how we have to rely on Hope, a _17-year-old,_ to prevent monster attacks while our very human headmaster fumbles along. When is Miss Forbes coming back from recruiting?”

Well if you were going to be forced to sit here you might as well try to achieve something.

“Yes, I can see how it might be frustrating to watch Hope constantly be seen as the saviour, but please remember that she is also a tribrid and has much more power than most of us. And don’t forget Dr Saltzman is quite capable of handling his own, he may be human now but was an Enhanced Original at one point and a renowned vampire hunter. As for Miss Forbes, I would expect she will be returning for the twins’ birthday in a few weeks.”

“Yes, yes we all learnt about Dr Saltzman in Supernatural History, but it doesn’t mean he’s not fumbling now as a human.”

“I can assure you, Penelope. That between all the faculty and Dr Saltzman, the school is under the best care possible.”

You scoff, “Tell that to the gargoyle that waltzed through our doors in November.”

“Yes, while I admit there currently seems to be new, evolved, threats appearing, Dr Saltzman is doing the best he can to ensure the safety of the school and prevent any harm from coming to any of you.”

“Dr Saltzman can barely talk Lizzie out of destroying the school half the time. How am I meant to trust a man who can barely control his own daughter? He’s too busy trying to train Hope to see that his daughters are growing up without both their parents!”

You don’t know when you started pacing Miss Tig’s office, but your feet carry you in circles as you hold yourself back from doing something stupid. How could no one see how ridiculous the whole situation is? How unfit Dr Saltzman was to lead this school without a supernatural by his side whom he would actually fucking listen to instead of taking his usual bull-headed stance of all these children are useless babies, my daughters are growing up just fine if I don’t let them know what’s coming?

“Penelope, calm down.”

“How am I meant to stay calm when all our futures are at stake and Dr Saltzman has no clue what he’s doing, and all of our teachers seem to think that everything is under control when it’s obviously not?”

“I’ll make sure to talk to Alaric about what options we might have to assure the students we have everything under control. In the meantime, we’re here to focus on you. It’s obvious you hold quite a lot of anxiety about the current situation and I think meditation might not be quite enough to help. I will contact your parents to discuss a further treatment plan, but I think you might benefit from some medication?”

“Will it let me finally sleep?”

“That is the aim, yes.”

“Fine. Can I go now?”

“Yes. My office is open any time, Penelope, please don’t hesitate to talk to me whenever you feel the need to.”

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind,” you roll your eyes and practically fling yourself out the door, already rolling a cigarette on the way to the roof.

You hadn’t exactly planned to snap so hard, but it worked. You’ve managed to make sure Miss Tig thought your anxiety was only about the monsters and the safety of the school, and managed to score some meds that might help you sleep so you don’t look like walking death. You almost wish it weren’t so easy to divert their attention away from your secrets.

Josie was right, you were playing god. Except the students weren’t the only pieces you had to play with. 


	8. Oh no you’re overexposed when you never ever really thought you ever had a chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll (The episode did half the writing). Also I re-watched the episode because it's so Penelope heavy and it's been less than 6 weeks since Raf and Landon came to the school what the fuck? So throughout this fic I've ignored that entire timeline and created my own soz. Also soz bc I haven't re-watched any other episodes so might've missed other convos Penelope has had with other people.

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever stop running? Running away from all the things that have hurt you in the past, all the things that could hurt you in the future that cause you to be so guarded you don’t remember how to speak some days? Running toward a future that will bring you joy and happiness? Running so hard you don’t know how to breathe most days because you’re trying so hard to run from all your problems? Running because facing them isn’t an option.

That’s what it feels like most days. Running away from Josie’s (almost) inevitable death. Running and _pushing_ toward a future where Josie was alive. Where Lizzie was alive too because it would kill Josie to ever think she could murder her own sister. A future where everyone was happy. (Everyone except you.)

Do you think you could do whatever it takes to make sure the twins survive so they can live a full and happy life?

Yes. The answer will always be yes, because that hope is the only thing keeping you sane.

You don’t care how fucking selfish you’re going to have to act to make sure Josie would be more independent, don’t care if Josie hates you for the rest of your lives; you need to make sure she lives long enough to hate you.

(Except you think maybe she’s lived long enough to hate you already.)

You don’t care if you’re going to have to run for the rest of your life.

It’s the twins’ sweet 16th, but when has life ever treated them sweetly? That familiar scratching noise in the morning has you jumping out of bed only to read, ‘Cancel Caroline’s car’ and oh. This is going to break their hearts.

You have a feeling Dr Saltzman isn’t going to tell them until the very last moment and… they deserve to at least have the entire day to steel themselves from their disappointment.

You spend the morning numbly making cupcakes and pretending what you’re about to do isn’t going to make Josie hate you even more (who cares what Lizzie thinks the selfish bitch). You can’t exactly just go to the twins and kindly tell them “Happy Birthday! By the way, your mom isn’t coming to your birthday and I’m telling you because your dad won’t until it’s too late and make you cry at your own party” without at least baking them some consolation cupcakes.

The good news is that your medication is actually working, and you don’t have to spend your days feeling like there’s lightning buzzing under your skin or looking like the walking dead because you can finally sleep (You still don’t remember your dreams when you wake up with your heart already racing).

Oh, the good news was about you, not them. (You wear selfishness like a sheep’s skin on your shoulders)

You hand a container full of cupcakes to Pedro with a wink, “I’m keeping these two though,” before making your way to the twins’ room.

“Whoop, whoop! Happy birthday, witches.”

Lizzie’s gaze is scathing, “Oh look, it’s Satan, in a crop top. Come to burn my world down?”

You would feel more threatened if it weren’t for the two massive butterfly (?) clips on her head that made her look… tacky.

“Retro! Princess Di before she got style. I dig it.”

Oh you do love digging your barbs deep under Lizzie’s skin.

Josie, ever eager to prevent a fight between the two of you, is quick to cut you off, “What do you want?”

You might as well be holding knives instead of cupcakes.

“Oh just to cheer you two up, you know, cause your mom’s not coming.”

“ _What?”_

You don’t let yourself look at Josie, can’t let yourself.

“Oh I heard them cancel her pickup at the office; I thought you knew… Oops”

You make sure you stare hard to memorise Lizzie’s hurt before she waves her hand to slam the door in your face. You smile and take a bite of cupcake. You make sure you don’t think about Josie’s heartbroken face in the background.

* * *

You don’t know why the hell Lizzie Saltzman needs a million cakes at her party but there’s a big stack of them on the table. You’re just about to open one to see what crazy embellishment about Lizzie is written on them when MG’s angry voice comes from behind.

“You’re lucky I respect women, and that I shun all forms of toxic masculinity or else you and I would be throwing down right now.”

What the hell is he talking about? Oh he’s not done.

“Even if you can kick my ass,” is muttered quietly as you spin to meet him with a grin forming on your face.

“Dude, I am here to help.”

You were totally helping… By seeing if there were any shitty “Lizzie is the best!” cakes to destroy.

“By telling Lizzie and Josie that their mum isn’t coming?”

Oh. That.

“Oh that was just for Lizzie, who is taking Rafael as her date instead of you. So why are you doing all this to try and make her party perfect?”

Deflect. Misdirect. Turn it back on him. Also, you really wish he could move on from always being first in line to put Lizzie on a pedestal she definitely doesn’t deserve. And his reply just makes everything worse.

“Cause a man’s gotta shoot his shot.”

“Oh my god. No. I can’t take it anymore. As your friend I demand that you retrieve your little MGs from Lizzie’s grip.”

“Not when I can taste victory”

His smile is way too cocky and sure for someone who definitely was not tasting victory. You can’t stifle the sigh that bursts out of you and look down to compose yourself before you crush his dreams into tiny pieces. He definitely did not deserve to have his love stuck on Lizzie Saltzman, who uses his love and kindness only when it suits her and throws it away when she gets bored. ( _The same way you used Josie’s love and kindness?_ Presses daggers through your ribs.)

“Fine. I’ll make you a deal. I will keep werewolf prince charming away from the party long enough for you to shoot your one, final, inevitably failed shot. And when it’s over, and the Queen of Mean has broken your heart all over again, promise me that you will _let Lizzie go._ ”

MG gives a silent nod. Now you have to find a stupid werewolf.

You find him in the gym slow dancing with… Hope? Guess he was desperate enough to go to her for advice even when her thorns were sharp enough to slice his throat. Not like any of his bumbling pack of buffoons were going to teach him how to dance.

You begin working on the barrier spell that will hold Mr Prince Charming back just long enough for MG to do whatever the fuck he’s going to try to do to win Lizzie over, and when the clock chimes, you’re going to take great pleasure in proving to him that you’re right. As always.

The unlikely pair in front of you start bickering, their voices echoing out of the gymnasium and into the hallway where you’re working.

“So what, you’re going to stay in your room alone while everybody else is out having fun?”

“Yep. Works for me.”

Yep, no one could possibly have guessed. Hope Mikaelson isn’t attending the party. Shocker.

“Bullcrap. Everybody needs a crew.”

If having a ton of ‘friends’ that you never allowed to see the real you counted as crew, you got one.

“Kind of ironic coming from the reluctant alpha”

“Okay well the pack is one thing, but a crew is a crew. You know what? I had that in Landon until you sent him away.”

Guess you don’t have a crew after all. Shame.

“We’re back to that?”

Apparently still a sore spot for Mr Hothead. It’s not like Landon would’ve survived at this school anyway. Hope was doing him a favour.

“I’m just saying it’s one thing to be cool with being alone, and then it’s another to want to be the lonely girl on purpose.”

Hope surrounds herself with silence. You surround yourself with noise. You all have your own ways of dealing with loneliness. Raf surrounds himself with anger.

“As opposed to Mr Good Guy, who’s taking a girl you don’t even like to her own party?”

That is quite the burn. Good to know Hope’s wit hasn’t faded in the years she secluded herself away.

“You know what, you’re right. Lesson learned.”

Lesson about to be learned, really; you finish the boundary spell just in time and watch Tall, Dumb, and Somewhat-handsome walk straight into it.

“The hell?”

Hope’s face is delightfully puzzled as she walks forward to press her hand against it, “Barrier spell. Fantastic.”

“Sorry kids. Nothing personal.”

You take great pleasure in watching their faces morph into frustrated understanding as you step around the corner.

“Let us out of here, Penelope.”

Too bad she’s just collateral damage or you’d feel a little more guilty about locking her up with that guy.

“You’ll be free in an hour. Plenty of time to practice that waltz,” you give a shit-eating smirk and leave them yelling after you.

Plenty of time for you to check in on Josie after breaking her heart again.

* * *

You knock twice on the door, “Hey Jojo, need an escort?”

“Sure. Do you know anyone whose heart isn’t made of stone?”

_Don’t ever show them you’re scared or hurt. Keep your head high. You’re a Park. You’re better than them._

You were 8 years old when your father told you those words, just realising that your magic was getting harder to hide from the human kids in school. You told them not the crush the flowers because flowers are precious and most of them had lots of interesting different properties that make them useful, and the boy had looked you straight in the eye before stomping on the daisies at his feet.

“Oops. What are you going to do about it?”

You don’t know enough spells to fight back, but you’ll be damned if you were going to let them get away with it. So you stepped forward and shoved stupid smug faced David so hard he actually flies off his feet.

Oops. There may have been some magic behind your hands.

“Hey! Cut that out!”

Maybe you shouldn’t have pushed David so hard, but he also should’ve just listened to you.

“What’s going on here?” Mr Brewer demands with his hands on his hips.

“She pushed me! Look!” Stupid David shows his bleeding elbow from where it scraped on the nearby asphalt.

“Explain yourself, Penelope.”

“He stomped on the flowers even though I told him not to. Flowers are important.”

“That’s no excuse for pushing him. Detention for the rest of the week. You can go to the front office now and explain what you did. David, come with me to the nurse’s office and we’ll get that cleaned up.”

Boys were so stupid. Even Mr Brewer.

Everyone on the playground had stopped what they were doing to watch you get scolded by Mr Brewer and the heat of your embarrassment brings tears to your eyes.

“She’s such a cry-baby.”

“I can’t believe she pushed him!”

“Did you see how far he fell?”

“She’s so weird.”

Your angrily swipe the tears away from your vision so you can begin the walk of shame to the front office.

“We’re going to have to call your parents. We don’t tolerate violence of any sort in this school, do you understand?”

You only looked out the window until your dad took you home.

“Hey Penny, I know sometimes it’s frustrating when people don’t listen to you, but you can’t use magic in that way. The other children can’t find out you’re a witch, okay? You need to be careful.”

Hot tears fill your eyes again because of course that’s all he cared about.

“You know what’s better than violence, kiddo? Being stronger than their words. Don’t ever show them that you’re scared or hurt. Keep your head high. You’re a Park. You’re better than them.”

You can’t show Josie that you’re scared (absolutely terrified) for her future. Can’t show her that her words are the only ones capable of slicing to the bone. So you fill your rib cage with concrete.

“Look I am sorry about earlier. I saw a chance to make Lizzie suffer and uh, I shot my shot.”

(Maybe you were spending a little too much time with MG)

Your apology is hidden behind weak excuses as hollow as the space under your breastbone where your heart used to reside, where it used to beat for the girl in front of you.

“Can’t you just ease up on her?”

Everything in her tone screams I don’t want to fight with you right now, but how many times have you heard those words before? The anger that floods your body makes you want to press harder; maybe a fight is exactly what she needs to see the truth. (It doesn’t matter that you’ve had this fight a million times before. Maybe you need to stop lying to yourself and hoping this time it’ll work.)

“She sucks the air out of every room you’re in.”

“She’s my twin, we can share oxygen.”

“Are you sharing love interests now too? Because she’s the only one with a date.”

Josie only looks at you with those beautiful doe eyes you always drown in, begging you not to do this, but you’ve started now, and you don’t know how to stop. You’ve always been an all-or-nothing kind of girl.

“See? You have crawled so far down the co-dependence rabbit hole that you think taking care of yourself is selfish? But it’s not. So when are you going to take care of you?”

“I take care of myself just fine.”

Your eyes take in the sight of her still in pyjamas, hair up in a messy bun, and you can’t take any more of this stupid argument Josie is too stubborn to acknowledge.

“Oh really? Party starts in five. It’s a shame you spent all that time helping Lizzie get ready.”

Sometimes, you wish you could just stop instead of digging your grave deeper in Josie’s heart.


	9. Like a comet pulled from orbit when it passes the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took awhile I got distracted because I just bought Watchdogs 2 lmao. This chapter is more piecing the pieces of the episode together

You look around the room, a pleasant smile permanently affixed to your face so no one would know just how hollow you really feel inside. MG really pulled through with the party decorations. It’s loud, extravagant and exactly what Lizzie Saltzman wants for her 16th birthday party. It’s a shame no one really knows what Josie wants for hers.

You wish you could just go back in time, undo all the cruel things you’ve said, forget all the information you’ve learnt now. Back to a time when your world was just you and Josie in the sun she always reminds you of and you were just a careless asteroid that got sucked into orbit. Even if it was just so you could relive this single day last year when your ribcage wasn’t a cold and empty fireplace.

You spent ages trying to perfect the recipe you found for those fluffy Japanese cheesecakes in secret to reward Josie for the hard work she put into learning the language while accompanying Lizzie to those therapy sessions.

“Happy birthday, Jojo,” you kissed her gently. (“Noo I have morning breath” “Don’t care, nerd”)

“And happy birthday Lizzie,” you threw over Josie’s shoulder with a nod. You could be civil on their birthday.

“Thanks, Pen. What’s this?”

“I thought you might like to try a little bit of Japanese food that doesn’t involve seaweed,” you shrugged. “Make a wish.”

Her smile was as bright as the golden rays of sun painting warm stripes on her face through the blinds. You memorise the way her eyelashes flutter against her cheekbones when she closes her eyes. Memorise the way wisps of her hair cling to her face because she hasn’t had time to put her hair up properly. Memorise the way your heart sings home when you stand next to her.

“Do you wanna try some now or wait til later?”

“Now please. Do you have forks?”

“Of course. Brought one for you too, Lizzie.”

You breathe through the butterflies pushing against your stomach while waiting for their verdicts.

“Not bad, Park. Not my style, but not bad.”

Well at least Lizzie would be in a good mood today. Hopefully she won’t mind you stealing Josie away for the day you’ve planned.

“It’s really good, Pen. Thanks.”

“Anything for my favourite birthday girl.”

“Hey I heard that!”

“You were meant to. I’m stealing Josie today.”

“Whatever. As long as you have her back so we can get ready for the party together. I need her to do my hair.”

“Sure thing, princess,” you roll your eyes and Josie pinches your arm softly, eyes screaming ‘play nice!’ as though that entire interaction wasn’t one of the nicest ones you’ve had with each other. You even brought her some cake!

You sigh and give Josie another kiss, “Get ready, your day begins after breakfast, and don’t eat too much.”

You’d made an entire picnic basket and gleefully dragged Josie out onto a warm patch of lawn so you could bask in the sun as long as you could, bellies full of food, and when you finally wake in the late afternoon, the smell of spring in the breeze, you realise you would give the entire world to the girl sleeping on your stomach.

* * *

You watch MG scramble to the bottom of the stairs and lead Lizzie to the dancefloor like a perfect gentleman. Watch as he gives Lizzie everything she wished for a perfect birthday: the confetti that drifts down onto their shoulders and a version of her favourite song to dance her first dance of the night to. Watch as she properly smiles as he whirls her around the dance floor. Watch everything you can’t do for Josie.

Then you watch Raf finally turn up and steal Lizzie away, watch how easily MG gets his heart crushed and discarded like paper mâché, and you don’t want to watch any of this anymore. Your eyes scan the room for the one person you’re always searching for; surely, she would’ve been ready by now. You can almost trace the path your heart takes as it slowly sinks to your stomach as you realise you can’t see her (she is always the first thing you see in any room).

You blindly turn to the people closest to you, “Have you seen Josie?”

You barely wait for a response before you’re pushing your way out of the hall to make your way to her room, only to find it empty. Okay, maybe she decided to go outside for some air.

You run into MG sulking on the steps of the old mill, “Hey, have you seen Josie?”

“She’s probably having the time of her life like I was until Prince Charming showed up and turned me into the pumpkin. I have hate in my heart.”

Wow, that’s… unusually dramatic. He’s been reading way too many comic books for his good. You watch him stand and pick up the axe the students normally use to get firewood for the party bonfires.

“I’m ready for battle. We’re gonna duel.”

You really don’t have time for this shit, how the fuck are you meant to find Josie when Romeo here is ready to duel your Mercutio?

“No, no, we’re not doing that. I’m holding you to our deal. As of this moment, Lizzie Saltzman’s cancelled.”

( _Just like you cancelled Josie?_ )

You’re saved from whatever dramatics MG was about to pull when the both of you spot Hope trudging by in a dress that was decidedly not meant for a walk through the woods and you can’t help yourself.

“You gonna howl at the moon wearing that?”

“Sorry, no time for bitchy banter.”

Well, Hope has always been short and to the point. You watch her take a few more steps before something makes her turn around, “Actually I could use your help finding Josie.”

You feel your heart jump from your stomach to your throat. You’re pretty sure a heart defect is inevitable at this point. 

“What happened?”

“Apparently her possessed biological mother buried her alive in the cemetery.”

MG is the first to find his words, “We’re coming with you.”

No fucking shit MG. You grab the shovel in front of you and follow Hope into the darkness.

“MG listen for her breathing.”

You hold your breath as MG stops to listen.

“Hold on. I hear something. Shovel.”

You quickly swap it for his axe and watch him start digging with vamp speed. A hand reaches out of the dirt and you all gasp. Except when MG pulls it up it’s not Josie. In fact, it’s the farthest thing.

A zombie? What the fuck? Could this school get any worse?

You swing the axe into its back but it doesn’t even startle the thing.

“That won’t work!”

Well what the fuck is meant to?! You watch MG use the shovel to pierce straight through its forehead and oh. Gross.

“To kill a walker you gotta go for the brain. Everybody knows that.”

“Yeah every nerd, maybe. Just call it a zombie.”

You’re stopped by Hope’s panicked voice, “Zombies. Plural.”

You find yourself in a circle of them. Well fuck. Time to start chopping.

“Woo! Two for two baby!” MG is oddly gleeful for some people’s nightmares coming true.

“Penelope and I can handle the rest. Just find Josie.”

He better do it fast or you were going to whack him with the shovel next.

“Right. Got it.” He’s gone in a blink; thank god for vampire speed.

Why are there so many dead bodies in these fucking woods anyway? Oh right, you’re in shitty Mystic Falls.

“How do you want to do this? Magic?”

“I say we DIY and pretend they’re Lizzie Saltzman”

You have a lot of pent up frustration, who could blame you?

“Works for me”

It’s quite exhilarating to smash zombie brains to bits and you think you might take up something similar as a hobby when all this is over. The moment the last zombie falls you’re sprinting after MG hoping that he’s managed to find Josie. Hope pulls ahead of you with her boosted werewolf speed and you’re debating whether you should take your heels off and risk the weird muddy forest floor when you finally catch up to MG. He’s scrambling on the ground while Hope wrestles a zombie over the top of him.

“Penelope! Axe!”

You throw it to her and watch breathlessly as she cuts off the zombie’s head. If this was going to be a regular occurrence, you need to work on your cardio.

“Damnit MG, get up and find her!”

“There’s too much noise!”

You’re going to knock this boy off his ass for being such a big baby if Hope doesn’t do it first.

“Well listen harder! Pretend you’re on a beach or something!”

“I got her.”

You sprint after him.

The three of you desperately claw at the dirt hoping to hell you’re not about to pull up another one of those stupid zombies.

A hand shoots out of the ground, similar to the others, or maybe a little more alive. You vaguely hear Hope say “Oh my god” while you all numbly stare at it in shock until MG grabs it, and all of you pull Josie out of the dirt.

You stare at her dirt covered face while your heart stutters its way back to a restart.

“The talisman. It worked.”

You’d almost forgotten Hope and MG next to you.

Josie can barely catch her breath to ask, “What’s it supposed to do?”

“Make quiet things heard.”

You and Hope reach out to help Josie up, except she only takes Hope’s hand, ignoring yours until you let it flop uselessly back to your side.

You both watch Josie lean on MG as they begin their walk back to the school and you can’t help but ask, “What do you mean her possessed biological mother buried her alive? I thought her bio mom was dead?”

“Not really your place to know.”

The comradery you felt between you and Hope has suddenly evaporated as silence sits under your skin and somehow jitters your bones more than the panic you felt trying to find Josie.

“Fine.”

You’re ready to pry the story out of someone, somehow, when Hope grabs your wrist, “Wait.”

You turn back to her.

“We don’t know what’s going on, but Josie and Lizzie’s biological mom suddenly appeared in Dr Saltzman’s office this morning. Then just as I was making my way to their party, she comes running to Dr Saltzman saying that she lost time and then _something_ possessed her and said that we better start digging. That’s all I know.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

Hope leaves as soon as she sees all of you through the doors of Salvatore, no doubt wanting silence after unexpectedly exhausting her social skills on you and MG tonight. You follow at a distance as MG walks Josie to her room so she can collect her things to have a shower and wash all that dirt off herself. You could do with a shower yourself but instead you lean against the wall outside the showers, standing guard, unwilling to let Josie out of your sight so easily so soon. MG, ever loyal to his friends, waits with you.

“I’m serious, Peez, something clicked while I was taking out those zombies, it felt right inside, like that was the _real_ me.”

“Meaning…?”

“That I’m a superhero.”

You can’t stop the ugly snort that comes out of your mouth. MG’s voice starts breaking in laughter too.

“Like from the comics! Because heroes don’t just get the girl, they get all the girls.”

“Oh, totally.”

“Yeah!”

You blame that fact that you’re still giddy with adrenaline for the words you say next.

“Superman is such a slut.”

The both of you can’t stop giggling until Josie walks out of the shower behind him.

“Thanks for tonight, MG.”

“First hero thank you, accepted. Up, up and away!”

You don’t even acknowledge him leaving around the corner before you turn back to Josie, childishly seeking the praise he got.

“Hey!” You watch as she stops, “What about me? I helped.”

She turns to face you and you’re really not prepared for the amount of anger you see in her slight frame.

“You’re the reason I got buried alive on my birthday.”

You scoff in shock. How the fuck did she come to that conclusion? It’s not like you decided to send her zombie mom the bury her alive.

“I took your advice; I wanted something and I went for it. I made the selfish move and I ended up fighting a zombie. There’s room for people in this world that just care about other people not everybody has to be a showboat!”

Josie Saltzman is her own force of nature, and now that you are the antagonising force in her life, you will have to take the blame every single time. This is the sacrifice you chose to make a long time ago.

“You’re right. This world needs the selfless and the selfish to keep spinning. I happen to be the latter.”

What you don’t say is the selfish will always be drawn to the selfless, always seek the good that they will never have within themselves, always spin in the orbit of someone brighter. Which is why you don’t resist the gravity of her magnet forever pulling you closer and with each step, you think that if this is the grave where you will sleep, you want one last taste of sunshine.

You’re so close to her now. Closer than you’ve been since the fight you had about her campaign tactics so long ago. You stop breathing when you start drowning in pools of melted chocolate that used to be home. You don’t know when you take Josie’s face in your hands but you press your lips to hers like a dying man seeking water after a long and weary trek through the desert and… she kisses you back.

For a moment, you’re back together, back to the days you could kiss her whenever you want to, back when she kissed you back without hesitation, without the fear that you might ruin the glass you hold in your hands.

Until she pulls away and you remember everything.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

God you know. Who wouldn’t hate you for all the things you’ve done to her? You just wish she could hate you enough to take everything she wanted for herself.

You’re ready to drown your pain in the next bottle you find when she grabs your face and crashes her lips to yours. You taste blood where your lips cut themselves on your teeth, swallow all the anger she pours into you, take every ounce of what you can get; whatever she thinks you deserve.

You pretend the newly fixed wings on your heart aren’t held together by wax.


	10. I've got better luck in my head, playing poker with the dead

You take a long drag off the joint between your fingers, staring hard at the stars above the old mill as though the answer to everything would land at your feet. You don’t really need an excuse to act like those 17-year-olds in movies that mope around abandoned places because you already have the drama that is your life.

You also can’t stop thinking about the phone call you got from your mom a few days ago, an unexpected surprise for an otherwise normal day of classes. It was news; she’s received a job offer: American witch ambassador for Belgium. Which means moving to Belgium.

You never thought you’d see her consider leaving the country after all the hard work her own parents put into securing those immigration papers. It’s not exactly an opportunity anyone just passes up though, and you understand, your coven has centuries of history behind it and the Parks are one of the most influential magical families in the US.

They’re asking if you want to go with her. Dad would stay in the US to maintain control of the Park law firm and visit when time permitted so you have options. The school is witch only, just east of Brussels where you mother would be based.

It’s something to consider. After all, what do you have left at Salvatore? It wasn’t like you were receiving top notch education even before a new monster started showing up every week and disrupting class.

It means leaving Josie behind.

You’d think at this point it would be easy to tear yourself away from daily heartbreak watching her push Lizzie further up the pyramid with her as its sturdy base. It’s exhausting, trying to help a bird fly away when it refuses to leave its nest. You’re just the mother trying to push it out of its comfort zone to survive.

You don’t think about the birds that lay on the ground and starve to death.

How would you even tell her? “Hey by the way I might be moving to Belgium.” She’d probably be glad to see you go.

There is also the Merge. You can’t just leave without knowing whether she’ll ever find out before her 22nd birthday. It isn’t really your place to drop that massive bomb on her life. Would she become like you? Spending every waking moment looking for answers to questions you barely understand? How the knowledge eats at your insides whenever you look at her? Your desperation to push her out of her shell would be so transparent to anyone who knew the truth and yet...

This is a secret begging to fly past your pressed lips. Why can’t Dr Saltzman just fucking tell them the truth? So you wouldn’t have to suffer this in the grave you’ve dug for yourself. You may have been the one to let her go, but you spend every moment of your life regretting it. It’s not something you can just take back, like a forgotten childhood toy you rediscover. Josie deserves better than your quick temper and overzealousness, and you’re going to help her find happiness in a life that lasts longer than 22 years god damn it.

Your room is covered in piles of paper strewn anywhere there is space with barely a path left from the doorway to the bed and dresser, but you’re out of information here. Which isn’t hard considering all the books in the library have been censored. Another compelling reason to go; the school has an affiliation with the Catholic University of Leuven, the oldest university in the country and one that offers double degrees in the human and magical realm. It wouldn’t be too hard to talk your way into their library pretending to be a prospective student.

That wouldn’t be a big leap in an alternate timeline. In a world where there was no merge, and Josie found her own voice, the two of you could’ve gone there. It’s easy to lose yourself in daydreams of what could’ve been. You could study International Relations and follow in your mother’s footsteps; Josie would study Veterinary Science or something similar where she would help make the world a better place. A world where it wouldn’t be a question for you to be together.

Here you go breaking your own heart again. You sigh and try to sniff away the tears, pretending the stars didn’t blur together for a second.

“Couldn’t sleep either?”

The voice makes you jump, dropping the joint quickly as though the smell wasn’t enough to colour you guilty.

It’s only MG, and you relax, picking the still smoking joint off the floor and blowing away any dirt from your mistake. You silently offer it to him as he drops to sit next to you.

“I find it harder and harder to sleep these days,” you find yourself saying in a rare moment of vulnerability. It’s only MG after all, and you could pretend this never happened if you need to.

“Yeah, it feels like I’m always on edge waiting for the next monster too. I’m afraid that next time, we won’t be able to save everyone.”

And bless MG’s good, good heart, always thinking of others before himself and so different from your own selfish motivations.

“Yeah,” is all you manage to breathe out and it has MG squinting at you.

“That’s not why you can’t sleep is it? What’s on your mind Peez?”

So much. The Merge will always be the biggest thing but now there is also this potential move. And since MG mentioned it, there are also the monster attacks that continue to plague the school. How Josie nearly died on her birthday 6 years too early. The kiss after the three of you saved her, “I hate you” still playing over and over in your head. How you don’t know just how many times a heart can break before it will never recover. There is so much on your mind and you don’t know how to voice any of it.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, but I always feel better after I do.”

He passes the joint back to you; a pillar of reassurance you didn’t know you need in this moment.

“Mom got offered a job in Belgium.”

This is the only safe topic you have if you’re going to be cajoled into talking.

“That’s great Peez! Tell her congratulations for me!”

MG’s smile only sinks your heart further.

“There’s a witch only school just outside the capital. It’s got an affiliation with a supernatural-slash-human university. She’s asked if I want to go.”

His smile drops.

“Oh. I mean, that’s a pretty good opportunity. Are you going to take it?”

“I don’t know.”

“If you’re thinking of staying because of Josie and the monsters, I think you should go. I know you guys broke up because she keeps putting Lizzie first but, and please don’t hit me for this, but the only way she’ll learn to grow will be when you aren’t around to fight her battles for her. And I promise I’d do anything to protect her from any Big Bads.”

You’re silent for so long he starts to fidget nervously next to you.

“Peez? I really hope you’re not planning my funeral right now.”

“It’s complicated,” you sigh, “but when did you get so wise?”

MG laughs, “I’ve always been this wise, P, just never got the chance to impart any wisdom onto you because you’re already pretty brilliant. Well, except when it comes to Josie, you’ve always been a fool around her.”

“Shut up or I’m never sharing my weed with you again.”

“Oh come on, you’re just mad because it’s true. How often did I have to hear you gush about Josie before you finally managed to ask her out?”

“Shut up! I was weak and I’ve learnt from my mistakes.”

“Have you though? Because even after you got her to date you, you would literally trip on air because you were too busy staring at her.”

“How could you not look at her? She’s the brightest star in every room, people just have to stop gawking at Lizzie long enough to notice it.”

MG makes a whipping sound and you decide that’s as good a reason as any to punch him hard in the arm. He only laughs and steals the stub of blunt left in your hand.

“Alright, I’ll stop. The whole school knows how whipped you are for Josie anyway.”

You groan.

“But seriously, do you think you’ll go to Belgium? Because I think it’ll be really good for you, not having to see Josie and Lizzie every day, and I’d protect her for you, Peez, you know I would.”

“Yeah, I know. Doesn’t make this decision any more difficult.”

“Hey, if you do go, you better not forget about me yeah? I’m expecting you to keep in touch so you don’t get too lost in that big head of yours.”

“Yeah. Thanks MG, I really appreciate it. I’m probably going to sleep on it a little more. I’ve got time, Mom’s given me til the end of term to figure out what I want to do.”

“Anytime P, I’m glad we got to talk about it. Hopefully you’ll sleep a little easier tonight.”

He slings his arm around your shoulders and you allow yourself the rare comfort of someone else’s arms.

You don’t know how to tell him you don’t really sleep anymore.

“I don’t know how to tell Josie.”

It’s another moment of vulnerability you will allow yourself this night.

“Yeah… I don’t know either.”

You wonder if Josie misses you as much as you miss her.

* * *

The answer is no. Apparently Josie is hellbent on pretending that you never made out on her birthday, not that you really blame her. You’re also kind of sick of coincidentally hanging in areas where you could see her in the hopes that a way to tell her would be forthcoming. It’s not, and you just get to look like some sort of stalker despite the fact you definitely avoid Josie’s gaze whenever she spots you in the vicinity. Her eyes never linger because she leaves the room almost immediately.

It’s pathetic.

The one place you don’t run into Josie is when you run (away from her) in the mornings because if you don’t go to Belgium you want to at least be able to run from the stupid monsters that keep turning up. You always end up on the same trails as Hope in the blue grey dawn just before she meets Dr Saltzman for her combat training. (You’re not the only one running from her problems after all.)

You rarely speak to each other except for a small nod “hello” when you cross paths. You think maybe Hope doesn’t run quite as fast just so you can keep up sometimes but you definitely don’t say anything about it. You’re going to take any sort of silent comradery reminiscent of the night you saved Josie over the fact that Josie isn’t the only one ridiculously good at avoiding her problems. (Some days, you wonder when you, Hope, and Josie were cut from the same cloth.)

The silence is ruined one day when an especially restless night has you sprinting faster than ever to try and keep yourself awake.

“What’s up with you today? You ran like you were on cocaine or something,” Hope asks while you run your head under a tap near the old mill to cool off.

“Bad night; couldn’t sleep. Thought maybe if I ran faster I’ll be tired enough to sleep better tonight.”

“Not only will you sleep well, your body is not going to thank you in the morning.”

“Ah that’s future Penelope’s problem.”

“What’s got you up then?”

Your whole body stills. This is uncharted territory. You thought you had an unspoken agreement with Hope that neither of you would ask anything but trivial questions. _Or maybe, you could use more than one friend, especially if that friend is a tribrid with connections to the oldest witch recorded. A friend with connections that could help you figure out the Merge._

“Uhm, just… You can’t tell anyone okay?”

Hope scoffs and you remember she doesn’t actually talk to anyone. Except for you right now.

“I don’t know how to tell Josie something important.”

“Well why do you care what she thinks anyway? I thought you were the one that broke up with her?”

“Ouch. Look, I had my reasons but I still love her and this is really important but I just.. don’t know how to say it. Not to mention she’s avoiding me like hell.”

“She probably has good reason to. But if it’s that important I’m sure you could just tell her. You can’t avoid your problems, Penelope.”

“Like how you avoid yours?”

Okay that was unnecessarily harsh, but you can’t stop yourself from lashing out in self-defence.

“At least I’m talking to Emma about it, what about you?”

“Same… ish.”

“Look if you want to be a coward about telling Josie whatever it is, fine. Just write her a letter and give it to her or something.”

“That’s… a really fucking good idea, Mikaelson. Thanks.”

“Well there’s no need to sound so surprised. Just to be clear, we’re not friends.”

“Oh god no.”

* * *

It’s a sunny afternoon reminiscent of the days of your favourite summer with all the chill of your worst autumn when you finally sit down to write what’s on your mind. You lean on warm roof tiles and pretend they don’t spark heavy memories as you press your pen into the page in front of you.

_Dear Jojo,_

_If only calling you Jojo would work in a letter the same way it did in real life. To get your attention that is, not the glare that comes with it these days._

_I really hope you don’t throw this out._

_Or burn it actually, that one is much more likely._

_I’ll get to the point, shall I?_

_Mom’s been offered a job in Belgium. American witch ambassador, can you believe it? It still feels like fake news to me most days, but she’s worked so hard to get here._

_She’s asked if I want to go with her and… I think I might. The school she’s shown me has an affiliation with the oldest university in the country. I wouldn’t have to deal with a new monster every week or these loser teenage dramas._

_It means leaving you. I mean, I know I’ve already done that once but… I regret it every day. As much as I’ve thought about it, I couldn’t go back to you and beg forgiveness no matter how much I want to. We’re just not in the right space in our lives and so we need distance to grow. I know it’s incredibly selfish of me to tell you all this now, in a letter, but here we are._

_I hope you grow out of Lizzie’s shadow and realise how beautiful, great, amazing, brave, and powerful you are, with or without anyone by your side. I hope you find happiness that isn’t dependant on Lizzie’s. I hope that one day you will find the person you loves you for all that you are and that you will grow old with them._

_Find your voice, Jojo. Not Lizzie’s, not your father’s, not your friends’, but your own._

_I’m going to be selfish one last time to you and say this: I love you. I never got to say it enough and I couldn’t say it even though I’ve thought it every day since our breakup._

_I hope one day you’ll understand why I did everything I did, everything I continue to do._

_Selfishly yours,  
_ _Penelope Park_

You seal the letter before you get a chance to think too hard about it and shove it into your jacket pocket. Cigarette smoke curls in your lungs a little harsher than usual. The courage to give it to Josie would have to come another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly the letter is one of the most heartbreaking things i've written so far


End file.
